My life is absurd and it’s liberating

I’ve been here for 27 years. Sounds like a period long enough to actually start seeing things as they are. What does it mean ‘as they are’? It means nothing, it means what YOU think it means. My life is absurd and it’s liberating. Somewhere out there, the future me has already taken the decisions I am set to make and there’s no way to change it. Naturally, this thought used to bother me a lot, but now it doesn’t. It brings me to the idea that the trajectory of my movement is decided. The end is as trivial as the one in a cheap soap opera — death. Death itself represents the universal stimuli to embrace life as it is. I know, it all may sound depressing to you, but let me walk you through the paths I’ve taken to get here.

I was growing up with the idea that I could be anything. The only problem was I was postponing the moment I could take charge and become what I wanted. Are you really going to believe that previous sentence? No way there’s ‘only one problem’ to anything in this world. So, another thing was I simply couldn’t come up with a choice worth pursuing. In a world like ours, it can be frustrating to face the decision of your life. If only I’d known there is no choice. I could’ve saved much energy and spared a great deal of nerve. But I continued running after those images they feed you on social media. Stuffing you with all the crap that makes you believe that THEY figured something out and could share it with you so that you become like them. No wonder it was so hard to force me to get any closer to them. It is so convenient to make us believe that we lack something that others have and we need to build it in ourselves in order to function well. Such a sellable thought. Have you ever seen a person selling you the idea that life is just a compilation of nonsense? Well, here I am.

Despite all said above I’m not saying you can’t live the life you want to live. You can start living a dream right from today and be happy about it. The only challenge is answering the question — what do you really want? A hard question to give a clear answer to. Now tell me, what on earth that coach from Facebook knows about your desires? You can be damn sure even your own parents have no idea, so expecting a stranger to be aware of your endeavors is an excessively naive idea. Having all that in mind, I got deeply disappointed in the people around me. I didn’t stop liking them or respecting them any less, I just couldn’t follow anybody anymore. I was exhausted.

Look into yourself, communicate with you. Articulate what you want to tell yourself and be heard. Reflect on your emotions and thoughts. What are they, where do they come from? Get inspired by yourself, not by other humans’ achievements. Treat yourself as you’d treat the most precious person to you, with deep compassion and desire to help. You are not the owner of yourself unless you know who you are. You can’t keep feeding yourself with those recipes for life and hope for your self to comply and do what you order it to do. Instead, look into it and witness the pains and the thirst for your care.

An English teacher exploring the written word